At this moment of my life...
I don't know where I would run and to whom I would run to..because I'm alone and you're not here anymore..
I tried to move on for the first year without you..I tried I really tried..
I meet new people,new circle of friends and I tried to open my heart again..that I think was my mistake..(early relationship)
He is the guy I'm looking for(dream boy) he is sweet,sweeter than me but NEVER sweet as YOU..He listen,hear and advice.
He did everything,it takes months for us,i thought i know him well,like 'Ive known you before..He never been like you..TOTALLY DIFFERENT..from YOU..
After 4months later when we parted ways,that's the time I knew him well.He was not Like YOU and never be Like You..
Half a year is never been good/okay to me..Everything I have time to flashback those time with you,those happy memories,feelings of love in our hearts..I thought I would find myself smiling but at the end I'm finding myself hurt,my eyes with tears and my mind thinking of you..just then the time I knew i still not moving on to forget and let you go..
and now..i found myself again with the pen and paper in my hand.Writing why I'm feeling just like before..
i thought i would stop writing all this,i kept my diary,our diary,our love letters and our notes just to remind me enough for writing..but most of the time when I'm alone i found myself the way i used to be,the way i express what i feel..this is it,my best friends since then"my pen and my new notebook"
Somehow they listen to me,they let me feel I'm not alone,they understand me,they were my witness for this pain,tears i shred,they also feel sorry for me..
Now its been 2 years without you and again alone..starting to drive my pen..2 years exactly when i call 3 of them,saying goodbye and not to wait for me,i cleared all things..i don't need them now..
specially i have my realization now about my religion.Alhamdulillah..I'm thanking all the people who made me realize some important things..its really different from what Allah give to you and from what you chooses Allah will give you..so Ill wait for that right time..with some one who can increase my faith and be a father to our son..
Yes! still I'm moving on until now..somehow I don't want to talk it anymore..but they say"its better you talk it out than just keep it inside".
I cant say that I'm not crying,because I do..almost every night..specially after my pm duty,i was thinking just like before you fetch me after duty..but sad to say yo will never come..:(
Yes..i pass the denial and acceptance stage BUT I'm stock up in Letting go..because I cant let you go.I'm afraid to let you go,thinking that I'm not lawful and loyal wife..thinking that i would stop loving you..letting you go is the hardest thing i would do..thinking that i would not find like you,if i let you go..:(
It takes time to let go...always telling to my self that i will start now..i will not think of you,talk about you but in the end chances come i would cry,before i sleep,taking a bath,eating our favorite banana cake..but I guess letting you go,needs more time..But now though I'm not yet ready to let you go,I'm looking forward to do that..now i would enjoy myself thinking of you,keeping you in my heart,life and mind.
maybe someday,one day,somehow..TIME and day will come that I already Let You go without pain in my heart,tears in my eyes and regrets/conscience in my mind..
Time will come that I will remember our happy moments together and telling our love story to our precious little one with smile on my face..that I'm happy and contented..without you..
i hope inshaAllah I would not write the same feelings again like this after a year or two..
Just want to let You know Your the ONLY ONE "LANGGAH and YHANG" in my life..
I LOVE YOU and I always do as always...even though time will come that i already let you go..
I miss you and i miss the thing we had..I long for your sweetness,kiss and touch...:(
take care and guide us with our little boy,i know and i will try that He will grow into a nice and one woman men like you...
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