Letting Go...

Letting go..
                 words that everyone  is afraid of.. similar with goodbye..
                 you've been so emotionally in letting go of your past,
                 past that once meant a lot to you,
                 past that once you think you can't live without it,
                 past that molded you...
                 past that made you change a lot..
                 past that live half of your life..

BUT WHAT IF...... Past is just a past now? Leaving you,are you ready to let go?


Once in that state...
                state in which I even regret what I've done and what I haven't done for someone to stay.
                I was there..in a position where in I almost lose myself,I hate world..
                I asked why, I feel that everything in this world are against me..
                I blame myself,even blame Destiny..
                To the extend that I hated man around me..
                Cried every night,tears are tired flowing each night again and again..
                Forgot who I am and what qualities I have..
                Pillows and blanket,they are just my witnesses in cold dark night when I was whispering                                                                                your name with pain...
                those longing i have for you,those touch that once I prayed to feel again,those kisses that filled my lips.. I miss You... :'(              
                searching for a reason,that even me and myself don't know what is it...
It was almost everyday...
                everyday that I tried to forget, tried to leave it behind..
                everyday that I conquer life,I crawl for sacrifices and fight for my peace of mind..
                everyday I always thought I might achieve that someday..
                that someday,I can be able to forget you and to go on with my life...
                and that in this so called life, I was only one alone walking..without your hands on mine...
Pain...
                Yes... It is always in it..everyday..day by day... haunting you, squeezing you and killing  you softly..
                 Cutting you into small piece,leaving no nothing at all...
                 pain that everyone tried to ignore.. kept it deeply in their hearts..
                 I even closed my heart and feel numb cold as ice..
                 You always inflict in your mind that you don't feel anymore where it silently bleeding inside your heart...

    Pain will never leave you...
I thought I will never moved on, would never learned on how to let go..
In daily life as I encourage myself to be immune to this pain...little by little,pieces to pieces... I healed..

I was holding back, Yes I am..
I was holding back the time,the memories that he was still mine and I am with him..
I was holding back in each things we have..the letters,messages,the sweet talks and the memories with him...
I was holding back the feelings that I felt.. the freedom,the happiness,the security,the care and the Love..

Actually I did let go of him personally,and I realized I was holding back the memories and the time that I'm afraid it will not happen again..

I was in the state of denial....
I was stock up in the stage of it..
I was not ready to accept,accept that he is not coming back...

While I was holding back..
          I didn't noticed the people around me,people who really loved me,people whom I pushed away..
          I was busy in self-pity and even I forgot to seek Allah for this.. I lose my faith...!!!

Day by Day in my life...
           The pain that once injured my heart,leaving each scars.. was my way in healing..
            Yes... I healed my self by time..
            As i see things clearly.. I finally let go...
            Hard?! yes it is..but you just need to trust yourself,keep reminding it that you can and you would..
            Those memories that I thought could not happen again...it will in Allah wills..
           
LETTING GO is not like forgetting...but is like the fact that you are accepting in Allah destined for you..
I processed it and absorb..
Its like accepting and moving on forward..
You let go but you don't forget..
I accept the fact that God has better plans for me,which is better than mine..And say Alhamdulillah...
It is my Qadr..

I never regret what I have done,it is part of living..of being human being...
I should care for what Allah had given to me.. My life,people who loves me and people I loved..

In each situations,trials and sacrifices, Allah was and always there..
He will not give you a problem in which you can't handle it and find solution to solve it..
It's a test that you need to pass,Be thankful for what you have and what you don't have, even it is smallest as the atom,for it might be greatest gift after all.. BE CONTENTED...

Each person in our life, they come and go.. they are not permanently with you..After all they didn't came with you too... We don't meet people by accident, they are meant to cross our path for reason..

Pain eventually subsides,day by day, making you strong and stronger each day..
It will mold you to become a better person for the next trials you'll encounter...
And someday the time that you were once crying while telling your stories, it will come to appoint that it is not anymore tears of sadness that flows underneath your eyes,but its a tears of joy and happiness that Once you meet and you have that kind of person in your life,that taught you how to be strong again...and how proud you are to have them...
Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting, it means you choose happiness over hurt.

Then.. I can finally say... I passed this stages... and the next thing I know.. I was closing the other door and opening the new one .....

Next Chapter of My healed Heart..  :)