My little man..

Iloveyou..

Being a Mother from a Distance :(

Being a Mother..

It is very hard to go on in daily life, especially if you're the only parent for the child you have, may it be you're a divorced person or a widow just like Me.
You're the only one who would sustain the needs (basic needs) for your children.

I am Widow and I am A Mother of one cute little boy.

I delivered 2 months after my husband died from illness, i suffered everything alone except the fact that I have my family. Emotionally stress alone,and financially distress with my Mother who that time sustain my needs and my son needs as I don't have work that time. I was newly Registered Nurse and My husband was my First patient after i got my licence, its painful? Yeah,it is!

I never see myself travelling abroad, i used to tell myself that I'm never gonna leave my country, I want to serve my fellow countryman,sounds corny,but it's the truth why I don't planned in going out the country for work.

BUT! Destiny's call.... I leave country just the day my little boy turned 1 year..I leave country for me to build future for my son. The reason I decided to leave country is because my Mom salary that time is not enough to sustain us,I have two brothers that still going to college and though I have brother and sister abroad my mom can't depend on them as to my brother has family and my sister is preparing for her dream wedding. I don't want my mom to suffer for me and my baby,so even if its very painful on my part to be far away from my son, I did,for him and for his future,I hope he would understand someday.
I know the feeling is.. I've been there in this situation,though my mom that time didn't traveled other country but she teaches students in provinces and stayed there for whole week,only weekends she would come back home,again due to financial stability after my father left us.
 I know my little boy would feel what I felt before.But I hope even if I'm this far from him,he would grow into a responsible son and citizen someday,just like us.

Being a mother and a father..

Being a mother and a father at the same time... A task that no one could do except a lovingly mother to her son. A job that should be highest paid of. A job that need no requirements or skills,it has just to be you,Being A good you...
I grew up in an environment that I don't have someone I called Father.I miss having one. Before I wished and told myself that if I could have a family on my own I would never let my son to feel what I feel before, But life is full of jokes,and I guess my son would feel it. I'm just feeling' sorry for him.. I'm sorry son for your dada needs to leave before you come. I prayed that you'll have one too at the right time,one that can accept you for being part of me. Being your father is a difficult task, I need to learn on how to play boys toy (cars,robots and others) just need to be man sometimes. And after that I need to be your mom who would cook your food,wash your clothes and take a bath for you. I even did piggy-back on you,that was your favorite time,when i cuddle you in my arms to my shoulder,whoa! you're a big boy already..still can't believe that I have already one that comes out from my body. i love you little one..still you're my baby boy.

Being A mother from a distance..
A feeling that mothers would feel worse than separation from husband.
Some mothers leave their children s earlier than they could imagine. As for me, I didn't witnessed  my son grow old.I didn't witnessed his first step,his first fall or dump into something while trying to walk,his first words of mommy.I wasn't there,nothing at all. :(
I am not the person he runs to when he needs to pee,when he needs milk,to eat or drink. It was awful feeling when he call other person to be beside me in sleeping or to make his milk.
When I go out for malling I always think of what I can buy for him,at least in simple things I can show how I love him..
I am not even there to care for him when he has fever,when he feels pain, I was there to witnessed simple achievements of him. I love my son but I just need to leave him for a moment.

I am a mother, I am single parent.. but I able to build a good future for my son and that's how I'm proud of it.
Through my experience I always trust Allah,His power,might and his plans. I'm always thankful for everything for the good and bad that came to my life.

I am a mother...
Though people sees it as noun but I see it as verb...
A mother by name is not completely mother unless it is with action...
I love being a Mother, I love the way He calls me mommy hadji...
I love being a mother without payment..

And
I'm PROUD MOTHER...

^__^

Loving you again!

Growing old with you and making it last for us...
Its very hard to open another door after it is broken..yet you were there ready to climb even windows just to prove your love...
And someday i wanna grow old with you too...

Forever with you...

Thousands years with you..

Happiness within Myself ^_^

Happiness is something we must do on purpose. In the midst of struggles or difficulties, we must choose to be happy. Happiness does not come from the acquisition of money or things; happiness begins from within each of us. Being happy within ourselves simply means showing mercy to ourselves, forgiving ourselves, befriending ourselves, accepting ourselves, and loving ourselves. It’s a lifelong journey that requires regular self-examination and an ongoing process of making peace with ourselves. It means discovering what makes us unhappy and choosing to live in peace. It means treating ourselves with compassion and kindness. It makes us to begin to enjoy life more and more and celebrate it as adventure in peace. It helps us to live life to the fullest, and help make the world a better place for us and others.

Happiness is a choice,not a result.Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy.
Happiness is a choice that comes from within. It can't be bought,nor can it be enticed. We are only as happy as we choose to be.

Smile every chance you get.
Not because life has been easy,perfect,or exactly as you had anticipated,but because you choose to be happy and grateful for all the things you do have and all the problems you know you don't have. It's important to make someone happy, and it's important to start with YOURSELF. Sometimes life gives you two options: Losing yourself or Losing someone else. regardless of the situation,don't lose yourself.

Know your worth! When you give yourself to someone who doesn't respect you,you surrender pieces of your soul that you'll never get back. You will never fully believe in yourself if you keep comparing yourself to everyone else. Instead, compare yourself to who you were yesterday. Give yourself permission to immediately walk away from anything that gives you bad vibes. There is no need to explain or make sense of it. Just trust what you feel.

Once you learn how to be happy, you won't tolerate being around people who make you feel anything less.
Our happiness doesn't depend on somebody,it depends on US.
Learn to value yourself,which means fight for your happiness.
Whatever kind of problem you encounter in your life remember that there are positive side to that. So don't keep your head down . Look up and smile,cause life is beautiful.

Letting Go...

Letting go..
                 words that everyone  is afraid of.. similar with goodbye..
                 you've been so emotionally in letting go of your past,
                 past that once meant a lot to you,
                 past that once you think you can't live without it,
                 past that molded you...
                 past that made you change a lot..
                 past that live half of your life..

BUT WHAT IF...... Past is just a past now? Leaving you,are you ready to let go?


Once in that state...
                state in which I even regret what I've done and what I haven't done for someone to stay.
                I was there..in a position where in I almost lose myself,I hate world..
                I asked why, I feel that everything in this world are against me..
                I blame myself,even blame Destiny..
                To the extend that I hated man around me..
                Cried every night,tears are tired flowing each night again and again..
                Forgot who I am and what qualities I have..
                Pillows and blanket,they are just my witnesses in cold dark night when I was whispering                                                                                your name with pain...
                those longing i have for you,those touch that once I prayed to feel again,those kisses that filled my lips.. I miss You... :'(              
                searching for a reason,that even me and myself don't know what is it...
It was almost everyday...
                everyday that I tried to forget, tried to leave it behind..
                everyday that I conquer life,I crawl for sacrifices and fight for my peace of mind..
                everyday I always thought I might achieve that someday..
                that someday,I can be able to forget you and to go on with my life...
                and that in this so called life, I was only one alone walking..without your hands on mine...
Pain...
                Yes... It is always in it..everyday..day by day... haunting you, squeezing you and killing  you softly..
                 Cutting you into small piece,leaving no nothing at all...
                 pain that everyone tried to ignore.. kept it deeply in their hearts..
                 I even closed my heart and feel numb cold as ice..
                 You always inflict in your mind that you don't feel anymore where it silently bleeding inside your heart...

    Pain will never leave you...
I thought I will never moved on, would never learned on how to let go..
In daily life as I encourage myself to be immune to this pain...little by little,pieces to pieces... I healed..

I was holding back, Yes I am..
I was holding back the time,the memories that he was still mine and I am with him..
I was holding back in each things we have..the letters,messages,the sweet talks and the memories with him...
I was holding back the feelings that I felt.. the freedom,the happiness,the security,the care and the Love..

Actually I did let go of him personally,and I realized I was holding back the memories and the time that I'm afraid it will not happen again..

I was in the state of denial....
I was stock up in the stage of it..
I was not ready to accept,accept that he is not coming back...

While I was holding back..
          I didn't noticed the people around me,people who really loved me,people whom I pushed away..
          I was busy in self-pity and even I forgot to seek Allah for this.. I lose my faith...!!!

Day by Day in my life...
           The pain that once injured my heart,leaving each scars.. was my way in healing..
            Yes... I healed my self by time..
            As i see things clearly.. I finally let go...
            Hard?! yes it is..but you just need to trust yourself,keep reminding it that you can and you would..
            Those memories that I thought could not happen again...it will in Allah wills..
           
LETTING GO is not like forgetting...but is like the fact that you are accepting in Allah destined for you..
I processed it and absorb..
Its like accepting and moving on forward..
You let go but you don't forget..
I accept the fact that God has better plans for me,which is better than mine..And say Alhamdulillah...
It is my Qadr..

I never regret what I have done,it is part of living..of being human being...
I should care for what Allah had given to me.. My life,people who loves me and people I loved..

In each situations,trials and sacrifices, Allah was and always there..
He will not give you a problem in which you can't handle it and find solution to solve it..
It's a test that you need to pass,Be thankful for what you have and what you don't have, even it is smallest as the atom,for it might be greatest gift after all.. BE CONTENTED...

Each person in our life, they come and go.. they are not permanently with you..After all they didn't came with you too... We don't meet people by accident, they are meant to cross our path for reason..

Pain eventually subsides,day by day, making you strong and stronger each day..
It will mold you to become a better person for the next trials you'll encounter...
And someday the time that you were once crying while telling your stories, it will come to appoint that it is not anymore tears of sadness that flows underneath your eyes,but its a tears of joy and happiness that Once you meet and you have that kind of person in your life,that taught you how to be strong again...and how proud you are to have them...
Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting, it means you choose happiness over hurt.

Then.. I can finally say... I passed this stages... and the next thing I know.. I was closing the other door and opening the new one .....

Next Chapter of My healed Heart..  :)

      


              
                

Who will be....???

I only want someone in my life,at the right time,right moment,right place and right feelings..
All I want is to be respected..
I don't want war,controversial or anything from someone who is committed...
I only want a MAN,a man who is brave enough to be with me,to fight for me against the world,to understand my past and to accept it..

I don't like a man,who has a beautiful mouth,a mouth that full of flowers smell like rot.
I want a man who has nail in his mouth,who tell harsh things to me if I'm doing bad things,
I want a man who will not tolerate my bad attitude but teaches me how to be good..

I want a man who can stand for me and with me in everything.
I want a man who will accept me ,my family and most of all my BABY..
I want a man who can increase my dignity and my Eman..

I want a Man who can make me fall in-love with him everyday,who surprises me with simple things.
I don't like people who gives special things,I want a man who makes me special beyond things..

I want and I need a man who sees me in different way and loves me in his own way..
but the question is....

WHO WILL BE...at the right me....